We had the Pride Parade in Atlanta two weeks ago, in the middle of a massive drought, just like we always do. The fundamentalists were out en masse, same as always. And once again, it rained buckets. I have a theory about this. I think that they come out and pray together for God to please spoil this display of wickedness, in as spectacular a way as possible, and that God thinks something along the lines of: “Well, they do need the rain. And most of those so-called heathens look like they’d be more than happy to have their shirts stick to their chests; I mean they have been spending a lot of time in the gym to get ready for this. And some of those lesbians look like they’ve really had enough and kind of want an excuse to go home. Oh, all right. I’m not gonna smite them; I’m not gonna strike them with lightning and permanently brand them, but I’ll rain on their parade. Take it to mean whatever you want.”
I’ve made some people really mad with this theory, but it does seem to me that enough people praying about a thing does tend to produce results. No, I do not know why that hasn’t brought peace on earth, maybe because it’s a taller order and it takes more sustained prayer by a larger group. Maybe because it would require acts of humans, rather than an act of God. After all, we get rain, not streets full of suddenly converted gays running home in shame. All I know is that we always have a drought, and it always rains buckets for the Pride parade in the middle of said drought, and there are always droves of protesters standing around praying before the rain.
I realize that a theory without practical application is pretty damn worthless, especially a theory this vapid, and I also know that your time is valuable, so here goes. I propose that we use this hypothesis to try to solve the Southeast’s annual drought. Every month of summer, we could have a different event designed to invoke the ire of the fundamentalists, who would then protest, pray for God to smite the sinners, or show the participants the error of their ways, or whatever, and he’ll shrug and douse everyone with rain. Since we already have Pride in early July, I suggest Darwin Days in August, with a big Evolution Parade capping the whole weekend. Papier mache dinosaurs would be utterly ruined by a downpour, and the Neanderthal wigs would undoubtedly smell like wet dog, but the fish with feet would look cool stomping in puddles.
September already has the perfect occasion: the last week of the month is Banned Books Week. We just have to do it right. Want to dress up like Holden Caulfield or Atticus Finch and march? Great, but we really need a Harry Potter or two, if we want to bring out the wrathful. And could somebody make a float celebrating the girl power of Judy Blume? Thanks. Nothing sends your daughters to hell faster than letting them talk to God or be curious and excited about their developing bodies. As for June, I don’t know, we could make it a sure thing and have Secular Humanist Fair (nevermind that it would be attended ONLY by protestors). Single Mother’s Week would work, too, or for that matter, Childless By Choice-fest; both would be equally vilified.
Right there, we have three rainy weekends in the heart of drought season. We have great fellowship activities for countless church groups. We have parades– gross, but kids like them. And, we have a reminder that God is among us. He answers our prayers, even the judgmental ones. He does it in a way that– eh, might mollify us, but is absolutely not going to hurt our enemies, sorry. He puts up with all of our nonsense, even mine (yeah, like this right here). And he washes all of our garbage right down the gutter, without distinction.
